Patricia “Pat” O’Connell and I met a little over a year ago, as she was finalizing her book about the death of her wife, Vivian, to Alzheimer’s disease, which they unaffectionately nicknamed “Al.” A mutual friend and colleague with the Episcopal Diocese of Western Massachusetts recommended that Pat contact me. We’ve worked together since to edit her manuscript and bring her story to publication so it can be shared. We Called Him Al: When The Person You Love Has Alzheimer’s Disease went live on Amazon in mid-January and is available at here. My colleague, Abigail Woodsom, recently interviewed Pat about her book and her experience with me in bringing it to market.
When you were writing in your gifted journal, did you have any intention that those thoughts would eventually be shared?
I’ve been journaling my whole adult life. When I started writing in that particular journal it was with the intention that I would like it to become a book. How I was going to do that, I didn’t know, but in my mind’s eye, I envisioned that this would become a book.
How would you describe your book?
It is a journey that Vivian and I took together to find a way to overcome the challenges of Alzheimer’s and not let it control or overwhelm us. My belief was that we were going to be able to conquer this with faith and hope. Ultimately, the book is about asserting the fact that love is stronger than death.
When you’re dealing with Alzheimer’s—it is a daily dying. It isn’t just the person who has Alzheimer’s experiencing the effect of the dying, it is the dying in the relationship. It’s the dying in the life of the care partner because his or her life is forever changed as well.
I didn’t want my book to be about death as an ending. I wanted it to be about what I thought could be a celebration of the ultimate life after death. I had a consciousness about that. I’m a deacon in the Episcopal Church, but I’m also an ex-nun, and I’ve always had this deeper belief, this deeper sense about how we live our lives, and Vivian shared that with me. So, I often wonder how people who don’t have that are able to get through the darkest times in their lives.
What was the most challenging part about sharing such an intimate part of your life?
Well…sharing that intimate part of my life! There are some things in the book that I have not said aloud or shared with people. So, there is a little bit of fear and intimidation right now. Knowing that in just a few hours the book could go live.
Was writing this book therapeutic for yourself?
Yes. Actually, I had all these things written. There was the leather journal. I had a diary I was keeping, there was Vivian’s health diary. When she died, and I had written resources, I knew I wanted to do something about them. I also knew that I needed the time to grieve and that that grieving process had to be both natural and disciplined. I knew that I wanted the pages in those books to be a part of that. I got involved with a grief counselor right away. I already had a spiritual director who I was working with but, thinking about making this into a book, reliving it, and trying to figure out how to present it, was all very therapeutic.
What role has your faith played in your desire to share your and Vivian’s story?
So, here’s the thing. I’m a deacon in the Episcopal church. Deacons are called to serve, and they are called to be a voice within the church. Our specific job is to interpret the world for our bishops so that we may always be a bit ahead of what is going on in the world. I was a deacon who had to step away from being actively involved in my ministry. Part of the time that Vivian was sick was during COVID, so we were isolated—physically as well as other ways—during that time. I felt that the writing I was doing and how Vivian and I were living our lives was my ministry during that time.
I do a blog every day. It’s called Deacon Pat “Unplugged.” Some of the writing I was also doing during this time was this prayer blog. Every morning I would get up way before Vivian, and I would pray. Whatever I was praying about, I would commit that to paper, and it would become the focus of the blog. I was always intentional about keeping it short and to the point. Something that would allow people to reflect. I felt like I was creating a community, a virtual community because I couldn’t see the people, but I could imagine this community. I still feel like this group is still very much a part of my daily life.
What do you hope people take away from reading your book?
A sense of hope. That we have the inner resources, and we have to intentionally turn to those resources. Maybe reading the book and people reflecting on what they are reading might help them to be in touch with that. While I am an Episcopal deacon, the book isn’t intended for people in any particular denomination of the church or with any certain belief. It simply conveys the sense that there is a higher power. That God does exist. That when we can allow ourselves to commune with God and to commune with others, it has a way of lifting us up.
What is your goal in publishing We Called Him Al?
I’m hoping that the experience I had will translate for others and that I may be able to share some of the hope that we found in the real deep darkness and communicate that to others so that they may also find a way forward.
How did Janice help you meet your publishing goal?
I have only been working with Janice for a little over a year now, and prior to my meeting up with her, I had been talking to a couple of people that were already authors. They were trying to give me some guidance, and I kept feeling like what they wanted me to do wasn’t where I wanted my book to go. I felt like my voice was being lost. These were women who were novelists, and I didn’t want to produce a book or a memoir, per se. I wanted to produce something that was going to tell our story with poetry and prose and pictures. I had this idea in my head, but other people weren’t getting it. But when I met Janice, she got it. The day I got her first edited draft, it was like, “Oh my God.” We were really in sync.
I felt comfortable going to that place with her. We only met in person once, but we were on the computer, working on the same pages of the manuscript together and having conversations about it in that way.
What value did you find in Janice’s work?
When she interviewed me the first time, she already knew some of my story, some of my angst, and how I was feeling. She promised that she would be gentle with me and in the way that she would massage the book—and she truly did that. I was just able to turn myself and the book over to her in a way that I could not have imagined doing with anyone else.
Do you have any advice to others who have a book in progress?
Get an editor! I think finding someone who you can be compatible with, who doesn’t take over, but can gently work with you is a blessing. I would highly suggest to anyone who is writing a book to work with Janice.
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