• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

Janice Beetle Books

Writing, editing, book development, and publishing help

  • Home
  • About
    • My Books
    • Clients’ Books
    • Privacy Policy
  • Services
    • Creative Writing Review/Coaching
    • Book Development /Writing
      • Book Development Sampler
    • Book Editing
    • Copy Editing
    • Book Design
    • Publishing Guidance
  • Blog
  • Poem Pods
  • Shop
  • Contact
  • Order My Book
You are here: Home / All / Responding to Those Who are Grieving

Responding to Those Who are Grieving

July 26, 2013 by Janice Beetle Leave a Comment

This spring, I had more requests for documentation than usual from my daughter’s university as I went through the financial aid process.

After providing them with countless materials, they came back to me, again, to say they still had questions about my marital status. When I let them know that my husband passed away three years ago, the reply was: “Can you prove that?”

I assured her that, yes, I could certainly prove that my husband is dead, and then I said, “You might want to develop a more sensitive way to get what you’re looking for.”

It clicked for her then that she’d been downright rude, and she apologized.

The fact is, people are well-meaning, but knowing how to respond to someone else’s loss isn’t always easy. So, I offer up these tips that could be useful to you or to others:

Acknowledge the loss. If someone tells you their husband, wife, child, mother, father or even the family dog or cat died, simply offer, “I’m sorry for your loss.” These five words work whether the loss is recent or age-old, and they are important because, no matter how much time has passed, it is likely there is still some measure of hurt in your friend. When a loss is recent, or if you have not seen the person since the loss occurred, it is especially appropriate to offer acknowledgement. People worry that raising the topic will “remind” their friend of the loss, but that reality, for them, is ever present. It’s helpful, less awkward and compassionate when condolences are offered in an upfront manner, and keeping it short and sweet is just fine.

Assess the needs. Some people might want to be left alone for a time. They may seek privacy, and it’s best to respect that need. Others will want company, distraction. Try to assess what your friend needs and act on that accordingly. For those who want solitary time, send a card once a week or once a month for as long as seems appropriate or call and leave a voice mail every so often to let them know you’re thinking of them.

Do something. For those who seem to need to lean on you, don’t ask what you can do, choose something that you would like to do, and do it. Those who have suffered a loss don’t know what they need or what will help, and even if they do, they might not be willing to ask for help. So, call and ask if your friend would like to go for a walk, to the movies or out for lunch. Tell them you’re coming over to help them address thank you notes. Bringing a meal is great, too, but wait a week or two – or even a month. This will ensure you aren’t bringing over the fourth casserole of the day, and it will let them know you know they are still grieving even though time has passed.

Hang in there. Your friend will want to talk, and your role is simply to listen and let them know you care. This could go on for some time. Please don’t suggest they “get over it.” Everyone processes grief differently, and some people take longer than others. Good things to say include, “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time,” “It’s okay to be sad,” “Do what you need to do.” Again, it’s much more important that you just listen; it’s not necessary that you try to fix things (you can’t), or offer advice (there’s not much that helps.)

Know your limits. You don’t have to become your friend’s caretaker or therapist. It’s fine to have boundaries if the need seems too great for you. Acknowledge that you know how hard it is for them and suggest they join a bereavement group or see a therapist or try to meet others who have also experienced a loss. If you have the energy, help them to make those connections. If not, let them know when you are and are not available to them. If you choose to make yourself available, make sure you can be present and patient.

A portion of this blog first appeared in the Daily Hampshire Gazette’s Funeral and Estate Planning Guide.

← Previous Post
Next Post →

Filed Under: All, Grieving

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. cathytruehart says

    July 28, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    Great advice! It is such a natural tendency to say ‘please call me if there is anything I can do”. No matter how sincere your intentions may be, the grieving person is way too devastated to pick up the phone, and certainly, as you say, have no idea what they need. As horrendous as the grief journey can be, it is not easy being the consoling friend or acquaintance either. Because the odds of being able to say or do anything that will be of any help are slim to none, the chances of what you do say and do or neglect to say and do have a greater chance of being hurtful or seen as insensitive. As you say, the best thing is to acknowledge the loss with an offering of condolence and make yourself available to listen and show that you are there for them. There is nothing more helpful than the voice of experience! Blessings to you and your readers……

    Reply
  2. janicebeetle says

    July 29, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Thank you Cathy. I finished your book, The Miracle of Hospice, over the weekend, and it will be the subject of my next blog. Talk about good information and knowledge! Yours is a book that everyone with a terminal diagnosis should be reading.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Subscribe

Please enter your email address to receive blog posts by email.

Categories

Recent Posts

  • Larceny in the Aisles is Hot Off the Press!
  • Ten Tips for the Travel Writer-Wannabe
  • Thrilled to Meet My Client From London

Archives

  • October 2022
  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • March 2022
  • February 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • November 2021
  • October 2021
  • September 2021
  • August 2021
  • July 2021
  • May 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • October 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • September 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013
  • April 2013
  • March 2013
  • November 2012

Footer

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

© 2023 Janice Beetle Books · Privacy Policy
Content by Janice Beetle Books · Site by Turn Signal Media