Online Dating Tips from a Failed Swinger

Note: This is the fifth of five parts. Click here to read from the beginning.

I understand I have taught you absolutely nothing about the ins and outs of online dating. I failed miserably at playing the field, and, if things go my way, I will never be on an online dating site again.

The least I can do is offer those insights I did pick up in the month or so I was a Match.com member. I’ll tell you a few of my favorite stories as well.

Beware of monosyllabic suitors. Many men will start a conversation with something like, “Morning” or “Hi.” This tactic only worked for me with Alfred Three, I think because I liked his face, or perhaps because I think I was looking for someone to rule out quickly. The reason to avoid them, though, isn’t just that they might be dull or not entirely committed. It’s true that these one-liner types can actually be predators or robots who simply want to entice you into conversation so they can hack your computer as an end goal. So truly, don’t respond.

Beware the stalkers. I had one guy who somehow figured out my identity and sent me a friend request on Facebook and then began pestering me ruthlessly via Facebook Messenger. His first attempt was: “Hi Janice. Are you busy?” Who is this person, I thought, and I ignored him. I had friended this guy because he had friends who were connected to me through a local organization I respect. I didn’t realize he was a Match guy until he sent me a message that went like this: “I am so sorry to bump on you this way, but I found your profile astonishing, and I will be more than glad if you can give us the opportunity to talk and get to know each other more better.” First of all… “more better?” Oh boy, no thanks. I’m an editor, after all. Second, “bump on” me? Ew. Just plain ew. Third, I thought my profile was clever, but “astonishing?” Really. I unfriended the stalker.

Beware of men with two first names. The guy who stood me up and the guy who stalked me on Facebook Messenger had a name that was two first names, like Jeff Ralph. Yeah, stay away from those guys.

Likewise, pay attention to screen names. One guy who sent me a message used the screen name “CheatNoMore.” Seriously?

Don’t be all about the photos. I will admit that the photos men posted were important to me, so I’m not sure what my point is here exactly. The photos definitely helped me rule out guys with giant beer bellies and guys with front yards full of debris and Mary in the Bathtub lawn ornaments. But there were borderline guys who could have made the cut if their profiles had any substance or resonated. So, I guess what I’m saying is, if the profile speaks to you, don’t let the photos sway you too much; meet the guy, then decide.

Let the profile rule. This means your profile too. Make sure your profile really says who you are and what you’re looking for in a partner. I spent a lot of time on my own profile and adapted it here and there. I also spent a lot of time reading profiles. Many were completely lacking in substance. One guy made note of the fact that he’s been separated for four years and is in no rush to get divorced.

Follow your heart. This is always the best advice. If someone’s tone and manner feels right, follow in that direction, until such time as it feels wrong. If your gut tells you, “no,” listen.